Stop Dating Down
From the “Defining Decade,” we learn that “Dating down means dating someone you would’ve dated in your past before you were mature or at the point in your life you’re at now.”
“Dating Down” Debrief
Dating down has a long history and basically, it says don’t date down. This is especially true for beautiful women and wealthy men.
Think of marrying the wrong family. Way way back in the day (and even still today) people weren't allowed to choose their long-term mate. Families had to approve of the person who would marry their child because the other family had to have the right social status.
When doing a little research I did see tons of examples from royal European families- and I think we all see that playing out with Meghan Markle and Prince Harry.
She’s not from the right family and she’s black- in his family’s eyes he’s dating down.
We look at Jay-Z and Beyonce and say Beyonce is dating down because of his looks.
Dating down can mean anything, but I think for men and women it manifests in completely different ways.
Women- someone who makes less than her, someone that's not as good-looking as her, less educated
Men- Someone that doesn’t look as good or better than them.
So my question to you is- have you dated down before?
According to my IG stats, 70% of participants have dated down, and an overwhelming majority of those who said yes to dating were women.
When I asked you what “dating down” meant, these answers came up:
“Dating someone who treats me less than what I deserve…consistently”
“5 years younger or more… it's contextual”
“Less attractive”
“Someone not as smart doesn't make as much, no career trajectory, not my physical type”
“A bum”
“Making less money than me”
“No goals, no home, no car, no stable income”
“When they add nothing to your life and ultimately take you backward”
“Dating someone you depict as out of your league”
“Someone I knew that was fucked up cause I just left a situation like that”
“Someone that isn’t on your level”
“When you left a person with the potential to date a person that has nothing going on”
“Literally dating someone who isn’t me”
Defining “dating down” is very subjective because we all have different relationship standards. I believe there is a right and wrong way to date someone, and obviously, you do. Choosing your life partner isn’t solely based on your emotions. You have to be logical about it sis. Marriage and partnering with someone long-term should include some strategy because who you date and marry will carry more long-term and impactful consequences than your chosen career.
How big can that impact be you ask? Don't worry! I got you!
So the best way to guarantee a financially stable future is to get a college degree or marry someone that has one. Sociologist call this assortative mating. My sources, say “assortative mating has increased inequality, because the rate at which a man with a college degree marries a woman with a degree has doubled in the past 40 years, leaving those too poor to afford college to marry someone else who also never attended.
Ultimately, dating down doesn’t necessarily “ impede social mobility, but it maintains a level of social inequality”.
A White or Black woman who marries someone less educated will suffer a household income of $25,000 less a year. Because educated Black women more frequently marry less educated men, the income deficit affects Black families more often.
So many times we have dated down- speaking for me, myself, and I- I have dated down multiple times. Dated guys who made less than me, had less ambition than me, weren’t as attractive as me, weren’t as mature as me- and the list goes on.
Dating down has a long history in our society, but has reared its head in the black community. If you’ve been online in the past 5 years, I’m sure you’ve heard the term hypergamy. I recently learned that the opposite of hypergamy is hypogamy.
Our official and working definition of hypergamy is the action of marrying or forming a sexual relationship with a person of a superior sociological or educational background.
Hypogamy is the inverse.
I feel in my soul that everyone is trying to marry up in some sort. The IG girlies and tik-tok girlies have been telling us all to step our game up in all sorts of ways to repel all the dusties. It makes sense- if not someone who makes more or has more education- but someone on the same level as you.
I am a supporter of this practice, but in the same breath- I know it’s very hard for black women to do so. Let’s look at some stats.
In 2017, 41% of mothers were the primary or sole providers of their household.
84.4 percent of black mothers were primary, sole, or co-breadwinners in 2017, compared with 60.3 percent of Latina mothers and 62.4 percent of white mothers.
Women with a college degree are the least likely to be breadwinners, whereas the likelihood of being co-breadwinner increases along with education attainment.
Black women are less likely to date outside their race, and overall more educated than black men.(go back and listen to my episode on interracial dating)
Among married women in 2012, 21% had spouses who were less educated than they were.
Black women in terms of marriage have it hard. If we marry a black man, more than likely he will be less educated than us, we are more likely to not marry at all, and we’re less likely out of any other demographic group to marry outside of our race.
Just 49% of college-educated Black women marry a well-educated man (i.e., with at least some post-secondary education), compared to 84% of college-educated white women, according to an analysis of PSID data by Yale sociologist Vida Maralani.
So, are black women doomed to marry/date down?
I’ll let you ponder on that one.
Overall, I would say most women want to date a man that is just as/ more privileged as them. But hypergamy has been a little villainized and taken out of context as it started to conflate with the feminism and black girl luxury movements.
Now on to why do people date down? If we’re aware of the situation, why would we ever want to date someone “not on the same level as you”?
Dating down means relationship security
An ego boost/ability to control.
In an article from the Orlando Sentinental written in 1985, one interviewee said "When you go out with a woman who isn't competitive with you, you have an advantage," a 39-year-old divorced man says. "In terms of intellect, you have the upper hand. You can control the relationship better."
You can’t be alone.
I once had an ex. When we were on one of our breakups- he got a new girlfriend in 2 weeks. Yes, 2 weeks. At this point, we had been together for about 2 years. When I asked him how could he just go get another girlfriend that easily, he told me and I quote, “Quinesha I cannot be alone”. Though I didn’t think he was “dating down” because they seemed to be more on par than he and I were in terms of career paths and living situations, and she wasn’t ugly- it just showed me that some people are willing to commit senseless actions just to be in a relationship. So though you may be a bomb woman dating a whack man- just to have a man. That’s not queen behavior.
All these reasons assume someone is “dating down” on purpose. Like they’re seeking out romantic partners that aren’t on their level. But I will say, in terms of dating down- women are more likely to do it. We’re more likely to see extremely attractive women with less attractive men than the inverse. Men aren’t told to lower their standards and choose personality over everything else as women are when it comes to romantic partnering. When women express a standard- just know there will be someone telling her that she’s doing too much. I think dating down is more apparent when the woman is the one doing it because it could manifest in so many different ways. In looks, income, career path, or lifestyle.
How to not date down? A few things.
Know yourself. Know what you want and what you deserve, know what you’re better than.
Be willing to say no.
Equally yoked or better only.
As I come to the end of this, I want to make sure that I vocalize this While I do believe that I am better than some people, I just think when it comes down to it- there is someone for everyone. What may not be my cup of tea will be someone else’s, and that’s okay.
Sources:
https://www.shortform.com/blog/dating-down/
https://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/os-xpm-1985-07-18-0310350146-story.html
https://www.thrillist.com/sex-dating/nation/why-we-date-love-the-wrong-person
Breadwinning Mothers Continue To Be the U.S. Norm
https://www.centerforsharedinsight.com/blog/dating-understanding-choose-choose/7858
