How to not be a toxic mom
I recently saw this Tik-Tok where a woman asked “In the next life, do you want your mom to be your mom again?” And let me tell you- the comments hurt my heart. I scrolled and scrolled reading comments from other women expressing how they’d never choose their mother again, hated their childhood, chose the same dad, and other hurtful things. Now I understand if you grew up in an abusive home at your mom's hand, but it made me think of how we really don’t cut moms any slack. Right now, it is cool to claim a traumatic past, to have a mental illness, and point out toxic/problematic behaviors in others. I love this for our generation, but it also hurts the generation that raised us.
Don’t get me wrong- when I look back on my time in my mother’s house and even now- I know that she did things that I wouldn’t do to my child but that’s because I had space and information to even process my past. Do we think our parents had that? Do we think they thought as critically as we do when it comes to having kids? Do we think they meant to harm us?
In my humble opinion, we lack empathy for moms, and the moms that are toxic are traumatized. The bar is so high for moms, that when they aren’t perfect we fault them and call them toxic moms. I also understand that my saying “moms aren’t perfect” invalidates some of your experiences- but I didn’t live your life. I’m speaking from my life experience and reflection. I think everyone can say their childhood could have been better- but I also think…where I am in my life I can't imagine having an entire being to care for, still maintaining myself, cooking, cleaning, possibly dealing with a man, and if my child has the nerve to act up- I mean…I get it now. Being a parent is hard, it takes patience, it takes empathy, and it takes a whole lot of selflessness. And if you aren’t prepared to give all that to a child- yes there will be a strain on how you interact with that child. But the difference between my generation and my parents is that I’d think about the long-term effects of my actions and words.
Another distinction I want to make is abusive versus toxic. Those are two completely different things, yet we tend to use them interchangeably. I love this response from a Quroa post, the author said,
“Abusive generally means physically or emotionally hurtful, intentionally, and most often for a long period. Being “abusive” to a child would almost always be illegal. Toxic can often mean just they have a poor/negative attitude, are debby downers, or even just don't believe in their child or think they can accomplish as much as they truly could. Still highly negative of course. They are related, and many abusers are toxic, but there are certainly toxic parents who do not abuse their child, but likely just have a poor life outlook themselves or other issues. Either way, you should leave them behind and/or get them the help you need once you have dealt with your own issues from them.”
When I saw this Tik-Tok, I thought I would want to come back as my mom’s mom. As in she would be my daughter. The reason I say this is because every generation has access to bigger and better things. I had more access to more information and opportunities than my mom could ever dream of- and the generation after me has access to more opportunities than I could ever dream of. Knowing her skillset, what she went through, and her dreams- I would want to guide her through life.
The Nature of the Mother-Daughter Relationship
Now a toxic mom. That should NEVER be the case. How can a mom be toxic? She gave birth to a baby whose life she wanted to terrorize. Culturally speaking, a mother’s love is the purest strongest love- so calling a mother’s actions toxic is somewhat wild.
I think the perfect way to sum this up is from this text,
“As young children, we understand what goes on in our family—things that are said and done, how people act and react—because our mothers do the interpreting for us. And, not surprisingly, interactions and behaviors—even abusive and toxic ones—get normalized; as children, we assume that every household is pretty much like ours, and the recognition that other families function differently may come slowly. Additionally, that recognition can absolutely co-exist with our continued acceptance of how things are in our family. We justify our mothers yelling at us: We’re bad or too sloppy or don’t listen. We accept getting called names, because we wrongly believe those words reflect who we are—“difficult,” “lazy,” “disobedient,” and “stupid.” We think our brothers or sisters get treated differently than we do, because they are good, admirable, and lovable, and we are not.”
Essentially, whatever our moms say we believe until we have some outside context. It makes sense! Now let’s move on to when you find out that something’s a little fishy.
Signs of a Toxic Mother:
Now we all call our moms out for toxic behavior. Hell- we call everyone out for toxic behavior. I want to talk about why our moms are toxic and what we can do to free ourselves from the shackles of the toxic motherhood cycle. There is a high likely hood that your mom is not going to change. But there's an even higher chance that you’ve learned how to deal with their behavior because you understand what it is now. One more thing- there's a better chance she’ll change based on your new reactions.
Generally speaking, a toxic person is someone that consistently harms you (physically, emotionally, mentally, etc) and adds negativity to your life but does not acknowledge their actions. Now, this is a very broad definition because that toxic person could be manipulative, very inconsistent, inconsiderate of your boundaries- the list could go on because it depends on the context. But I know we could all think of a person in our life that we deem toxic- and we could identify the traits. Hopefully, you can if you’re calling them toxic.
Shame, Blame, and Scapegoat
Using extreme phrases like “you never” or “you always” to criticize you, in turn, feeds and nurtures the inner critic that makes you feel like you have this major character flaw.
These mothers never take responsibility for their actions, instead making everything your fault.
I mean what toxic mom would want to actually be held accountable? How dare she not be seen as perfect?
Guilt-tripping
Moms typically do all the child-rearing. So think if you don’t do something your mom agrees with, she’ll hit you with the “After all I did for you” or maybe even remind you that she didn’t get an abortion if she really wants to cut you.
This has the potential to create people-pleaser energy.
Aggression of any sort
I rest my case. That is all I will say.
Instills fear.
Mocking and Belittling
Making someone feel like their thoughts, achievements, and even their existence is a joke and is to never be taken seriously.
Even telling them that their feelings are not valid. There is no reason for them to feel the way they do
If you mention that you don’t like that, then you would risk being called sensitive or unable to take a joke or criticism.
This is not the best way to raise a healthy confident human. But maybe it helps some parents feel better about themselves. When adults do this to each other- we can rationalize it because we assume that everyone has common background experience and knowledge. But for an adult to do this to a kid is ridiculous…its literally a kid.
Constant Criticism
This one is easy to spot. They are always telling you what you’re doing wrong, if something isn’t up to their standards, don’t make the same decisions as them, etc. The list can go on for a minute boo.
They can criticize you in comparison to others. Think of favoritism among siblings or within the family.
Overall the message is that you’re not good enough and you need to change yourself if you want to do right in life.
This also serves the purpose of helping the mother maintain control of the child- especially when the child wants to please their mother.
Now there are so many other signs that I didn’t touch on..but they are linked in the blog!
Healing from a toxic mother-daughter relationship
All of this obviously had an effect on you from your childhood to now. Everyone's healing process is different, so do what pleases you!
Educate yourself and reflect! Read as much as possible, watch YouTube videos, think about your past, your current relations
Therapy- talk to a trained professional!
Create distance between you and that parent- creating a physical boundary that would consequently create a mental and emotional boundary too!
How to make sure you’re not a toxic mom
I don’t have the answer to this one because I’ve yet to think about bringing a child into this world- BUT I think it’s important for all potential mothers to do the following:
Heal your inner child so you don’t resent your child during their childhood
Live everyday like it’s your bday so that when you have a kiddo you don’t feel like you had so much potential and now it can’t be used
Actually want to have a child. Like you know you will have to prioritize that child over you for a great portion of their lives and be okay with that.
Forgiving your parents. We talked about how holding on the negative emotions would end up hindering you. Let it go!
Sources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201905/8-things-toxic-mothers-have-in-common
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/toxic-mother-signs/
